There will always be this one time where we could have helped someone but did not. I know the feeling and the frustration but I was too nonchalant about it. Imagine a scenario when by all means you could have helped this someone but you chose not to and stood by that decision. If you were that person who turned your back to the one who desperately needed your help, how would you feel?
To start with, people in our company are nice and happy people until some of turned out to be bad, sour and sort of dumb. These people commit a lot of mistakes and I am not an excuse to this. We have wrongdoings and have been wronged by bosses who do not know how to manage people. This is also the first time in my life that I have seen friends and colleagues working 24/7, devoting their lives to a project that we do not know where the hell we are headed. Silly and real, sad and painful because our partners and loved ones are complaining that we have less time for them. When a colleague has asked me to help him write his design document, I declined. I felt sorry because I wanted to help but I couldn’t just because my plate is already full. He understood right away because we are in the same boat.
We do not need awards or recognition just for us to know that we are doing good. We do not need a raise just to bribe us that we extend our hours to do more work and do other stuff not specific to our assigned projects. Further, the medical card given to us is nothing compared to the sickness and lost of time that we have lost. Lost time and health can never be recovered. What happened, happened. What is lost may not be found. Now what?!
What I have learned from this is loving myself. I have forgotten myself when thinking of other people especially the ones who mean the world to me. How ironic it is that they are the reason why we work when they could also be the ones we could lose? Work would not be there to take care of me unconditionally when I am sick. It won’t buy me the time I should be spending with my loved ones. If you have kids, you lose the ‘time’ to bond with them and you missed seeing them grow up all because you poured it out to your work and to the blokes in your company who would never appreciate what you did — and so on, and so forth. How do I know? A good friend of mine who’s been working for them for a year, got terminated. Call it office politics but their reason of saying that it was due to his poor performance is lame. I am one of the witnesses when our client commended him for doing his work so well. Logically, whether or not we do our best, we still could lose our jobs. There are just some things that are not within our control. I can bear to lose a job in more than ten thousand or million ways but the thought of losing the core reason of my existence here on earth is unforgivable.
This only means that I am devoting more time to myself and to the ones who matter to me. Sorry to my family and friends. Most of all, sorry to myself. I perfectly remember this adage, “What we allow is what will continue.” I guess I forgive myself now. Sorry is just a word, a word that is often taken for granted for its meaning and essence. I hope I have learned that by heart many times ago.