Dear Partner

I never dreamed of having someone to be with for the rest of my life. Of course, I never dreamed that we’d be together until now. After so many years of being together, we’ve had so many bad times that outnumbered the good times. We both questioned our love for each other and we both hated each other for that. How come we are still sharing our home and our son? You can’t imagine being with me and sometimes I think life is easy without you!

I remember all the times when you said that it’s better if we part ways. And to my dismay, I told you I respect your decision and it’s better to get separated while we still have respect for each other. I also can’t imagine being with the person who loathed me and who wanted me out of his life. You said life is easier without me and I think you’re right. I also thought about that many times. Oh, see the last sentence of the first paragraph.

I also don’t believe in the reason or the fact that couples must stay because of their kids. Why prolong a useless relationship, right? Both of us can have our own lives and still be great loving parents to our ever dearest baby. Yep, this is both our thought so I know that if we part ways, a part of us will be happy. At least, I hope.

But then, what happened? This drama you and I both created is like the reruns of a melodramatic, mushy TV program. See, we’re not that sweet and dramatic yet we are caught up in this drama. I want this drama to end because it doesn’t make any sense — unless of course, I can be an actor in the future. And, if I’m attending acting workshops maybe I’d pursue drama. After all, you’re the best actor in the world and you’re my guru who taught me lots of drama. I might win an Oscar and a Golden Globe for being your apprentice.

I’m still thinking about the time we met. You said you don’t want to take a chance at love ever again but you did with me. I also said that I’m okay being with myself for the rest of my life. No one knows what happened but every time we plan to separate, it just didn’t seem to happen. Do you remember how peaceful we are when we haven’t met each other?  We both miss those days.

You are strong and I love that about you. I know that you also admire my strength for holding on and for loving you for who you are. I remember these words that you wrote on the small book you’ve given me. And you also said that you’re looking forward to more adventures with me. Come on, how can we have wonderful adventures if we are acting like crazy lunatics?

Tell me now, how do we separate ways? And though you leave for a couple of days, you always come back with a little smile that turns into a grin and a big smile. I think I am used to your uncanny, grouchy ways. Are you used to living without me, my one and only fatty? I know you’re not ready because for the nth time, you’re still here. I’m not pushing you away but I just wanted to let you know that life without me is boring. And, life without you? It is heaven and I’m just kidding. Life without you is pointless because you’re a fucking exclamation point.

You’ll always be my fatty acid even if I hate you at times. I can imagine you all smiles now, you ill-tempered dick head. No more drama, okay? Hugs!

❤ Your OAO

*** This is a general letter intended for couples but for some reason, it also fits me and my crazy partner. 😀

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Passion

It’s been awhile since my last post and share, so let the passion begin now. This short poem is dedicated to all lovers, parents and most especially to soon to be parents. 🙂

Constellations above are watching over us

While you and me are faraway

Shining with love that is built to last

Brighter than anything in the milky way.

And then we both succumb

To our eternal burning fire

A magic fruit in the womb

Created with an ardent desire.

– TLL

 

 

 

 

 

Breakup on Christmas Day

How splendid it was to have a breakup on Christmas Day! How great and surreal the feeling was! That’s how I am feeling right now on a sarcastic level to the nth power. Nothing beats the nostalgic feeling of being away from your family and longing for them while your special someone is so eager to end forever with you. Okay, I understand that to begin with there was no forever. Maybe it was just a course of hallucination in my head. A hopeless, romantic moron that I am who built a perfect world in my own world. Yeah, pathetic is the perfect word to describe me — a foolish, vulnerable pathetic.

With his firm voice, he said that he cannot see forever with me and that I do not listen to him that much. I uttered the word “OK” to emphasize that I understood even though he’s hard to fathom compared to a normal human being. I think we just have a different language of love so we didn’t understood each other. Different wavelengths, different views, different opinions, different everything. Or maybe, it is a form of misunderstanding or miscommunication between us. I understand that boys communicate to each other by conveying information and girls communicate to bond. With us, communication is dead and through his own words, very hard and frustrating. So, when he said that he does not want to work things out, “OK” was all I have to say. Though we explained our sides and sentiments to each other, for him it was better to put an end to what we have started — to which I said I respected his decision.

One week to go and 2013 will bid goodbye. I am with the leaves falling from the trees. I am also with the raindrops falling from the sky and for everything that just comes and goes away naturally. No matter how melancholic this Christmas is, I am happy that for once in my life, I have become vulnerable again. True love must be free and not to be coerced or forced. If it wants to go, let it go. I am hurt and so is he. We are all humans wanting to have freedom within our range. I know I have given him the love and the freedom that he so much wanted. A heartbreak for me yet a wonderful Christmas gift for him.

No regrets, no ill feelings, no hangovers. Just a fresh new start for the coming year. I hope he feels the same way, too.

In Silence

In the dark

I shivered from afar

For you are no longer mine.

The fragile glass which

Is my heart and mirror

Was broken into pieces.

You drifted apart from me

And love plummeted to its death.

But I am here standing still,

Reflecting the shattered pieces

Reminiscing our lost past.

In time I have learned

That to love you in silence

I have found peace

Because no one

Owns you there

But me.

* Daily Prompt: Unexpected

Dystopia of Expectations

In response to Weekly Writing Challenge: Dystopia.

~ I have learned that not every person I meet deserve my kindness, not every person deserves a second chance and not every person is nice. – Lurker’s Tidbits of Learning

I do not generalize but I have observed that most of the things I have done for the significant people in my life is not reciprocated with love, effort and the amount that I expect them to reciprocate. So, what’s the wrong part with me even if I have given my all? It is because I expect. I expect too much — that I feel they should somehow appreciate what I have given.

The thing is, I should not expect at all because it is useless. When we expect, it is also like telling them subtly that there is an exchange for what we have given. When we help a person, when we give something to them, when we love them and when we risk our hearts getting broken again, we should just not expect at all. I think things would have been easier back then if I learned not to be tied up with my expectations.

Now, I guess I have learned the hard way. I hope you don’t so please do not expect. Love. Live. Give. Without Any Expectation. Let us create our own utopia, a world without boundaries, a world filled with love, abundance and most of all, acceptance. We must learn to accept that people might not be able to reciprocate. Take me or not, leave me or not, it is your choice. I am just glad that for the nth time I have embraced vulnerability at all costs.

Yes, I will never expect again. 🙂

Free Association: Family, Death and Blessings

Write down the first words that comes to mind when we say HOME, SOIL and RAIN. Use those words in the title of your post.

This DP Challenge is just in time because I am thinking of my family and home before doing this post. My boss allowed me to go on a two-day leave which I can use to visit my family back home. For me, this is an opportunity to show them my love by giving them my time. I do not want to sound cheesy but this is a real life example most of us face — when one works outside his country, the work culture is different. Going back to your hometown or having your deserved vacation is not that easy without having your leave approved by your boss(es). Fortunately, I was granted the two-day leave after working for long hours last month. Being with my family is definitely priceless — even for TWO DAYS.

So, here goes my simple reflection. It is indeed a blessing that I was given the opportunity to be with them. Being outside from home for one year and a half made me appreciate my country more and the people in it. I do admit that I did not feel the nostalgia because I am surrounded with lots of work and activities. Thus, my mind was occupied with these things. It left no spaces for melancholy, pity or negative thoughts, though I am naturally a person always looking the glass half empty. Now that I am given this chance, I am not going to lose it. I also have a more understanding now why friends are so addicted to going back home, not to mention that some of them are taking care of their parents/siblings that are inflicted with sickness.

That part where they go back to their hometown for that reason is without a doubt heartbreaking. To be honest, I do not want to experience that part. I remember an adage where it says that it is better to give flowers to someone who is alive rather than give it to someone who is already dead. The alive person can still smell the flowers and adore its beauty while the dead can do nothing about it. If life is certain, death is also certain and it will knock on our doors unexpectedly.

I would rather visit them that I am still ALIVE. I would hug and tell them that I love them so much now that they are still alive. I do not like to have regrets that I was not able to let them know how I feel and how I care and love them deeply. It might be beyond words can explain but if I lose the opportunity of letting them know now, they may never know. I actually did tell them before I left our home. The last time I called my mum, I told her I love her. And, I will do it again when I get back.

It sounds cheesy and that is a fact. Showing how much we love them is a cheesy act but death is not. When we are in front of our loved ones’ graves, would saying those words sound cheesy at all? If at any point I would die, I would be glad that they do know that they are the reason why I breathe, they are the reason why I do things that I am doing now and most of all, they are the core reason why I live.

Who are your blessings in life? Have you told them lately that you love them? Go on. Just do it. If it is not possible to do it real time, send a mail or call them up. Trust me, you won’t regret it. 🙂

Tonight I Can Write by Pablo Neruda

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Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, ‘The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.’
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

— This is one of my best loved poems ever since I was a kid. Back then, I did not understand what love is. I just thought that I understand love through reading love stories, watching romantic movies and the like. I really like the poem that I almost memorized it in a heartbeat. ❤

Photo Credits: Love is a losing game.