Sometimes, if not many times, I just want to dissolve. I felt like I don’t know anything and I’m not doing something good. Okay, enough of this nonsense drama. I just said these sentences to emphasize that it is normal to feel this way, at least one point in our lives. Every year, I have a self-ritual. It is not actually a ritual but it is something that I want to do: learn a new thing or dare to do something I haven’t done. It must be something that I think I cannot do, something that intimidates me. What is that one thing for you? For me, it is cooking. I attended a cooking class and met wonderful people. They are so wonderful that even if I don’t know anything about cooking, they happily shared what they know. The teachers are nice and there’s no excuse that I couldn’t learn. So, I opened myself to learning and I listened a lot. Of course, I dared to cook. My insides felt fried but I kept going until I have cooked some edible meals. There’s something cool about knowing that we can feed ourselves. Even if I am not a cook, I can feed myself. To be honest, I don’t like the taste of my cooking but at least, I have felt that for once in my life, I did something right. And that is, cooking my own meal. Did you dare to do something you haven’t done? Just do it. Give it a try. You don’t know what you’re capable of if you don’t try. What have you got to lose? Whether you win or lose, you still gain experience. Dare to start. Dare to fail. Dare to be great. 😀
How splendid it was to have a breakup on Christmas Day! How great and surreal the feeling was! That’s how I am feeling right now on a sarcastic level to the nth power. Nothing beats the nostalgic feeling of being away from your family and longing for them while your special someone is so eager to end forever with you. Okay, I understand that to begin with there was no forever. Maybe it was just a course of hallucination in my head. A hopeless, romantic moron that I am who built a perfect world in my own world. Yeah, pathetic is the perfect word to describe me — a foolish, vulnerable pathetic.
With his firm voice, he said that he cannot see forever with me and that I do not listen to him that much. I uttered the word “OK” to emphasize that I understood even though he’s hard to fathom compared to a normal human being. I think we just have a different language of love so we didn’t understood each other. Different wavelengths, different views, different opinions, different everything. Or maybe, it is a form of misunderstanding or miscommunication between us. I understand that boys communicate to each other by conveying information and girls communicate to bond. With us, communication is dead and through his own words, very hard and frustrating. So, when he said that he does not want to work things out, “OK” was all I have to say. Though we explained our sides and sentiments to each other, for him it was better to put an end to what we have started — to which I said I respected his decision.
One week to go and 2013 will bid goodbye. I am with the leaves falling from the trees. I am also with the raindrops falling from the sky and for everything that just comes and goes away naturally. No matter how melancholic this Christmas is, I am happy that for once in my life, I have become vulnerable again. True love must be free and not to be coerced or forced. If it wants to go, let it go. I am hurt and so is he. We are all humans wanting to have freedom within our range. I know I have given him the love and the freedom that he so much wanted. A heartbreak for me yet a wonderful Christmas gift for him.
No regrets, no ill feelings, no hangovers. Just a fresh new start for the coming year. I hope he feels the same way, too.
In my heart, I am not free.
But my amygdala tells me I am.
The haiku explains how free I am even if in my heart, I feel I am jaded and not free. In case you wonder, the amygdala is a part of our brain which controls our emotions. Logically, the brain is above the head which means that it must be used first whenever we make tough decisions.
Note: Using our hearts when coming up with a decision is also good but that is another topic. Let’s jut say that I use my head more, after experiencing some traumas. Tsk, tsk, tsk. 😀
I never had issues with myself being lost but a part of me is somehow envious of my once old self. I was once a carefree individual, whose heart is gigantic, that even a universe can fit in. I do not care what would happen later or tomorrow because I only cared what I would be doing during the present time. If many people would only care more about the present and the more sensible things, imagine how less complicated life would be.
Nowadays, I am more stressed and worried about what would happen in the future. But then, I realized that worrying does not solve the problem and does not improve and make me a better person. Thus, I would use my head so I won’t get envious or jealous of my once old self. This is still me but better, tougher and hopefully, wiser. Talk about empowerment and mind control. It goes to show how powerful and influential our minds can be.
Okay, no more drama. I have had enough. I just have to constantly tell myself that I can be free. At the back of my mind, I know I can do this because my amygdala tells me. 🙂